Clueless (1995)

 

Image by Paramount via IMDB

Hey everyone, how's it going? I had to take a short break from the Troll series. I was starting to get burnt out and I figured that a lighthearted movie or two would be good between all the low-budget nonsense of Troll. So it's time for Clueless!

Surprisingly, this is my first time watching Clueless all the way through. "What?" you might be asking yourself. "And you say you have, like, taste in movies? Ugh! As if!" Honestly, I tried years ago, but the valley girl dialogue turned me off so much. But I decided I needed to give it a watch for this, so I did. And I'm glad I did. I *spoiler* liked this movie.

I’m not a prude when it comes to movies, I’m just highly selective. I mean, you see how picky I am about my shoes and they only go on my feet. 
Image by Paramount via IMDB

First, the cast is stellar. This was the big break for Alicia Silverstone and Brittany Murphy, though Silverstone had been featured in some famous Aerosmith music videos ("Crazy," "Cryin'," and Amazing"). Stacey Dash had been in some big movies (Mo Money and Renaissance Man) and Paul Rudd was on the show Sisters, but I think it's safe to say that their careers went into overdrive after this. Wallace Shawn was most likely the most well-known actor in this movie. But no one in this is bad at all. It's refreshing, after watching three out of the five Troll movies, to watch something with good acting in it again. Amy Heckerling was the director, she had previously done Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Johnny Dangerously, National Lampoon's European Vacation, and the first two Look Who's Talking movies.

I'm not going to go into huge detail with this, every scene is a gem, and you should watch it yourself. But I will break down the plot and describe key moments, so... spoiler alert.

We start our story with a montage, not always the best way to begin a film, but it works here. The Muffs do a cover "Kids in America" and all the cuts are fast and stylistic. Cher narrates "So OK, you're probably thinking, 'Is this, like a Noxema commercial, or what?!' But seriously, I actually have a way normal life for a teenage girl." This is a great intro, you see and understand pretty much everything you need to know about the characters. You see them shopping and driving (poorly) everything is cool, stylistic, and fast-paced. Cher and her friend, Dionne, are living in Beverly Hills and very much fall into the "valley girl" stereotype. Even though they don't live near the valley. If you're not from LA, you wouldn't understand. But Cher also helps take care of the household. Her Dad is a litigation lawyer, so they have money, and Cher assists in directing the maid and gardener in their duties. Not in a selfish kind of way, and she is never intentionally mean to them. More on that later. Cher also has a piece of computer software that has ALL of her different articles of clothing in it, and it helps her pick out an outfit, and even lets her know if it matches or not. What? Why did the 80s and 90s make computers seem so much cooler than they are in real life? She also takes care of her Dad, making him drink Orange Juice for vitamin C and scheduling someone to come by and give him a flu shot at his work. Her mother passed away while she was young, so she stepped up into that role. Near the beginning of the film, Cher's Dad lets her know that her ex-step brother, Josh (Paul Rudd) is coming by for dinner. Cher is disgusted, she hates Ant-Man and reminds her father that he and Rudd's mom were only married for a short time, a long time ago.

Cher is soon in debate class, where she is given the assignment of taking the "pro" position to the issue of refugees entering America. She pulls off an impassioned, if unresearched and simplistic, analogy of her father's birthday party and how people showed up who didn't RSVP. Well it threw her whole plan for the party into chaos, and she had to reseat people and redistribute the food, but it ended up working in the end. And she closes with the classic line: "And in conclusion, may I please remind you that it does not say R.S.V.P. on the Statue of Liberty?" The class applauds, but the teacher is less impressed. When all her grades come in, she gets a C in debate and other classes. But as she tells her father, this is just the first offer, and is a "jumping-off point for negotiations." She convinces all her other teachers to raise her grade through her skills in persuasion, except for her debate teacher. He tells her that changing her grades is INCONCEIVABLE! (He didn't, but Wallace Shawn is the debate teacher, so...). Cher and Dionne go shopping as therapy, and she wonders why her arguing didn't work. Dionne reminds her that Vizzini is a sad, lonely, old man. Still single at 49. Suddenly, Cher figures it out! She needs to get her teacher hooked up with someone, to become happy, to change her grade! They pick another teacher, Miss Geist, played by Twink Caplan. They manipulate/encourage the two teachers to get together, which they do. Wallace Shawn gets happy and changes Cher's grades.

For all you kids out there, this is where Iggy Azalea got the idea from
Image by Paramount via Tom and Lorenzo

Brittany Murphy's character, Tai, transfers to this school. When she comes on first, she's wearing jeans and flannel and a... she's wearing a god damn troll shirt. I mean troll as in the troll dolls, which were popular at the time, and not any of the Troll movies. But god damn it! I watched this movie to get AWAY from trolls. And now my old crush, Brittney Murphy, shows up wearing a damn shirt with a troll on it. 

Every time I think I get out, I get pulled right back in!
Image by Paramount via IMDB

Anyway. Cher decides to take Tai under her wing and do something nice for her. Cher calls Tai "totally clueless" and figures a makeover and hanging out with the "popular girls" will both make Tai popular and, therefore, happy. We very quickly learn that Tai and Cher come from very different backgrounds. Tai has had sex, done drugs, and is attracted to one of the school's "loser" skateboarders. But Cher is determined to get her hooked up with a popular boy named Elton. "If you make the decision to date a high school boy, they are the only acceptable ones," she tells Tai. When Tai asks which one is Cher's boyfriend, she responds all grossed out. "As if!" Cher doesn't date, as she is disgusted by high school boys. Later in the movie, she delivers this classic monologue "I don’t get how guys dress today. I mean, come on, it looks like they just fell out of bed and put on some baggy pants and take their greasy hair – ew – and cover it up with a backwards cap and we’re supposed to swoon? I don’t think so!"

So Cher keeps trying to get Tai and Elton together. They all go to a party in the valley, have some beers, smoke some weed. The skateboarder dude spills some beer on Cher's shoes, ruining them, which infuriates her. At the end of the night, Elton ends up giving Cher a ride home, instead of Tai like Cher was insisting. They park in a convenience store parking lot and Elton tries to put the moves on Cher. She tells him "No" a couple of times and asks him "What about Tai?" Elton said he would never go out with someone like Tai. Cher gets out of the car after he tries, again, to kiss her. In classic douche mode, he tells her to get back in the car, she says no, and he drives off. Cher then tries to call for a taxi, but she gets robbed. A dude puts a gun to her face and takes her phone and purse and, worst of all, makes her get down on the ground in her Alaia dress. After he leaves, she's got no money but manages to call Josh. He's with a college girl at his dorm, but as soon as Cher starts to cry on the phone to him, he tells her he'll come to pick her up. 

Paul Rudd is here to save the day
Image by Marvel/Disney via IMDB

Ant-Man comes to the rescue and picks up Cher, with his date in tow, and the two college kids sit in the front seat of the car, pontificating at each other. Now THAT I can remember. Being 19 or 20 and thinking I knew everything because I had taken 5 or 6 college classes. But anyway, the girl uses the "To thine own self be true" and attributing it to Hamlet. Cher says "Hamlet didn't say that." The girl gets real snotty with "I think I remember Hamlet accurately." Ugh, I DEFINATELY used to know people like that. I also used to be like that, too. Now I just say "Are you sure? I'm pretty sure" and then look it up. Cher locks it down with "Well, I remember Mel Gibson accurately, and he didn't say that. That Polonius guy did" referencing the 1990 Hamlet film. Rudd laughs to himself, proud of Cher.

Cher and Dionne break the news about Elton to Tai, and she's devastated. It hits even more later, while they are in a restaurant, and Collio's "Rollin' with My Homies" comes on. She thought that was their song because they briefly danced to it. Also, what restaurant plays "Rollin' with My Homies" in the 90s? This was a decently nice place, like a Coco's or something. This is when it's revealed that Cher is "saving herself for Luke Perry" aka is still a virgin. She gives the aforementioned Baggy Pants monologue over World Party's cover of "All the Young Dudes." It's then that she meets her boy. A transfer student named Christian (Justin Walker). He shows up to class wearing black pants, a white t-shirt, a black jacket, and sporting a 1950s style haircut. He looks really cool, walking and talking like he's a man out of time. Cher is smitten and the two of them end up going out. He doesn't impress Cher's dad OR Ant-Man when he comes to pick her up. He drives a 1954 Nash Metropolitan, which I don't think I've seen before, and is a bitchin' little convertible. 

This car is Phat! I can see myself rollin' with the homies in this.
Image via WikiCommons

We find out that Christian loves to dance, loves art, and hanging out with guys. Cher is convinced that he is into her because he rejects all other women who come around. They are all at a party in a club, Tai is there, and Paul Rudd followed them. No one dances with Tai, so he decides to be nice and dance with her, so she won't feel left out. Later, Christian comes over to watch movies with Cher. We find out that he is a huge Tony Curtis fan and LOVES Spartacus. Hmmmm. At this point, I think the viewer knows what's going on. He rejects all Cher's physical advances and then ends up leaving, feeling "tired."

Later, Cher is driving with Dionne and Dionne's boyfriend. He's trying to teach Dionne how to drive for her test. Cher explains the whole, weird Christian thing to which the boyfriend explains that Christian is gay. Cher doesn't believe it at first. The scene gets terrifying real fast as Dionne, not knowing what she's doing, accidentally gets on the freeway. She panics as trucks and other cars are flying past her, her boyfriend trying to yell panicked instructions over her screaming. They eventually get off and pull over to the side of the road, calming down after their "brush with death." If you think they're exaggerating, well, they are, a little. But man. On my second driving lesson, the second time I ever drove, we went onto the freeway. And my next two lessons did as well. I was absolutely petrified, scared beyond belief, I barely knew which side was "brake" and which was "go" on the pedals. The only thing that would have made it worse is if it was an LA freeway.

This part of the film is when Cher's reality starts to come crashing down. Cher, Tai, and Christian are at the mall together, Cher accepts Christian as just a friend at this point. Tai is flirting with some guys, who end up dangling her dangerously over the railing on the second floor of the mall. Christian steps in and saves her, the guys saying it was "just a joke" ("It's just a prank, bro" if this movie was made in 2022). Tai becomes the center of attention at school, having had a near-death experience, and this is when you get the idea that Tai has changed. Then, Cher tries to tell the maid to instruct something to the gardener, because he doesn't speak English. This offends the Hispanic maid, who doesn't speak Spanish, and that confuses Cher. Paul Rudd tells her "Lucy (the maid) isn't from Mexico, she's from El Salvador." Cher still doesn't understand what the difference is. When she takes her driving test, she does HORRIBLY, sideswiping another car, among other things. The driving instructor makes her pullover, not even allowing her to drive back to the DMV, and failing her. She tries to argue and persuade him, as she did with her grades earlier, but it won't work. She goes home, defeated, finding Tai and Rudd hanging out. She anticipates Rudd will give her a lecture about being irresponsible, which he doesn't. Tai wants to talk to her. She has a box of stuff relating to Elton and she wants to burn them, with Cher. Tai then confesses that she thinks Rudd has a crush on her. Cher doesn't think that he does and tells Tai that she doesn't think they'd be good together. Tai is insulted, thinking this was a personal jab at her, and tells Cher "You're just a virgin who can't drive."

The next scene is a classic. Cher is wandering outside, trying to come to grips with what's been going on recently. Between the Christian and Elton and Tai and driving situations, Cher admits "I'm the one who's clueless." It's a really impactful scene when you think about it. See, you assume going into this movie that Cher will be a selfish, dumb, ditzy blonde. And yeah, she's no Rhodes Scholar, but she's not stupid and she has a heart. This is when she comes to grips with the realization that she isn't as wise as she thinks she is. She lacks wisdom about the world and turned Tai into a monster. And this is also when she realizes that (oh boy) hold on to your nuts... SHE is in love with Paul Rudd. Yep. Her ex-stepbrother. 

Yeah, that's what happens when you make all your decisions whilst shopping.
Image by Paramount via IMDB

The awkwardness of this potential relationship never weirds her out, but what does upset her is that Paul Rudd knows her for who she is. She can't put on a superficial show to entice and manipulate him, because he knows the real her. Her lack of worldly wisdom and knowledge is exemplified as she watches the news with Rudd, who doesn't know why she's watching the news. The Bosnian War is being shown on the TV (sadly reminding me of the currently ongoing Ukraine Invasion, but moving on). Cher is confused, saying "I thought they declared peace in the middle east." Yeah, it's a funny statement, but the best example of Cher realizing just how out-of-touch she is. She then confesses to her Dad that she's in love with a boy who doesn't love her back and she wonders if she's good enough for him. She doesn't say who it is, mind you, so her dad responds with a very positive response of "obviously this boy is a complete moron" and "to tell you the truth, I'm not sure I want you with a stupid fella like that." He then reminds her of how valuable of a person she is, about how she takes care of him and the household, and that he hasn't seen someone like her since her mother. This uplifts her and encourages her to go forward.

Cher decides what she needs is another makeover. But this time, a makeover of the soul. She wonders to herself "But what makes someone a better person? And then I realized, all my friends were really good in different ways. Like, Christian, he always wants things to be beautiful and interesting. Or Dionne and Murray, when they think no one is watching, are so considerate of each other. And poor Miss Geist, always trying to get us involved, no matter how much we resist?" Miss Geist is talking about the recent Pismo Beach Disaster, how sad it is, and how all those people lost everything. Cher decides to volunteer to help with donations. This is the turning point for Cher who, while she has been nice and helpful to people, this is her first act of... I would say pure selflessness. This isn't doing good for her dad or friends, it's doing good for strangers, and there is a difference. She gathers food and clothes and athletic equipment from her house for donations. She helps Miss Geist run the event and, while there, the stoner skateboard dude donates a box of food and his bong. He then apologizes to Cher about ruining her shoes, which Cher doesn't even recall at first, but then tells him not to worry. But he has to go around apologizing as part of his twelve steps... good for him! Anyway, he invites Cher to a skateboarding event he's in on Saturday. She says sure and goes. Shortly after arriving, Tai comes up to Cher to apologize. Cher apologizes also, they hug, promising to never fight again. In the next bit, we see the skateboarder pulling some tricks, Cher realizes that he's really motivated. "I had no idea" she says. "Oh, I did," Tai responds. Cher realizes what she should have seen all along. Tai likes the skateboarder.

A stoner, crusty girl being into a stoner, skateboarding, crusty boy? Inconceivable!
Image by MGM via IMDB

Rudd and Cher are helping their dad organize information for a lawsuit, assisting one of dad's assistants. The assistant proves to be an ass, as he realizes Cher was doing it wrong, setting them back a day. She apologizes, clearly upset at herself, but the assistant yells and insults her, calling her an "idiot" and to "go back to the mall." Rudd tries to defend her, saying she's not an idiot, to which the assistant tells him that it wouldn't have happened if he hadn't been "playing footsy with the dumb kid." Rudd says he doesn't know what the assistant means, which makes the assistant leave. Cher is sitting on the stairs, devastated, thinking that she ruined her dad's lawsuit. Rudd sits with her and tells her not to worry about it, he'll take care of it. He then chastises the assistant for insulting her and implying there was something between them. Rudd tells her that he needs to do this work because it's training. He wants to become a lawyer and go into environmental law. He then tells her "But you, I mean, you don't need to be doing this. Go out and have fun, go shopping." Cher looks at him and, calling back to the film's opening thesis statement, says "You think that's all I do, I'm just a ditz with a credit card?" Rudd stammers over his words, telling her she's beautiful and popular. But he doubles down on the learning experience and how her dad is the only one who cares about him. Cher looks at Rudd and tells him that her did isn't the only one. And then they kiss. Eww.

Cher narrates "Well, you can guess what happened next." And it's a wedding. wtf, this escalated fast! Then she catches us, "As if! I am only sixteen, and this is California, not Kentucky." Well, apparently, it IS Kentucky, since you just made out with your ex-stepbrother. But no, the wedding is for Wallace Shawn and Miss Geist. I'm really happy they ended up together. When it comes time to throw the flowers, the girls show up. And the damn maid, Lucy, is there, in her maid outfit. And at first, I was confused, why is the maid at the wedding of Cher's teachers? Matter of fact, why is the crowd full of high school students? Then I realized that Lucy was there because the wedding was being held at Cher's house. Oh okay, that makes sense then. But hold on a second... why is the wedding being held here? Who knows. Anyway. Cher catches the flowers. She kisses Paul Rudd in public, which apparently everyone is okay with, and then the credits roll. The end.

Clueless was released on July 19, 1995. It had a $12 million budget and was a hit, making $56.6 million. It debuted as #2 in the box office, behind Apollo 13, and was the 32nd highest-grossing film of 1995. Pretty good. Clueless has since gone on to become one of the highest regarded films of the 90s. In fact, when I decided I needed a Troll break, I googled "90s movies" to look for an idea. Clueless was one of the first that popped up.

The movie started as a pilot for a TV series for Fox. They wanted Heckerling to write a teen comedy about the "in-crowd." Heckerling decided to do it, but only if she could make fun of it. Much like Wes Craven, slasher movies, and Scream at the same time era, Heckerling was sick of doing normal teen comedies. Nothing ended up happening with it at Fox and later, on the advice of a new agent for Heckerling, was turned into a feature film and was then picked up by Fox, who loved it. It was originally called "No Worries" and "I Was a Teenage Teenager" a title which I love. Eventually, Fox wanted Heckerling to rewrite the script with fewer featured female characters. She didn't, and it became the subject of a bidding war, which Paramount Pictures won. This was a better situation anyway, since Paramount typically caters to younger viewers, owning Nick and MTV.

CineFix has a great Seven Things You Probably Didn't Know video about Clueless. One that I like was Silverstone was cast because Heckerling was on a treadmill, watching MTV, and saw Silverstone in one of her Aerosmith music videos. Amazing. CineFix also has a Clueless Drinking Game video that Stacey Dash shows up for. Very entertaining.

Heckerling wrote the script as, basically, a modern update of Jane Austen's Emma. There are websites and YouTube videos that go into detail between the characters. Buzzfeed and As The Bunny Hops both do nice jobs of that.

The 1995 Pismo Beach Disaster took me by surprise. See, I have lived near Pismo since 1999, and even before that... my family had been taking vacations in this area since my mother was a little girl. So I was mystified, "wait what Pismo Beach disaster?" I had to look it up. It turns out that it was fake, but it fooled me for a second. Pismo Beach is a great town, btw. Great clam chowder. It's no wonder Bugs Bunny was always trying to go to Pismo Beach for vacations.

Make sure you take that LEFT turn at Albuquerque to enjoy a disaster-free Pismo Beach
Image by Paramount via ScreenRant

Silverstone is probably best known for Clueless, but she's had a very consistent, steady career since then. A couple of years later, she famously (infamously?) played Bat-Girl in Batman & Robin. Paul Rudd probably had the biggest career of anyone, with feature parts in a ton of comedies, such as Anchorman, The 40-Year-Old Virgin, Knocked Up, a recurring character on Friends, and staring in Role Models. But of course, Paul Rudd is Ant-Man in the MCU, his biggest role yet. Brittney Murphy was well on her way to building up a great filmography, before her untimely death from Pneumonia on December 20, 2009. She was sadly only 32. But she was in some great movies. Drop Dead Gorgeous, the critically acclaimed Girl, Interrupted, 8 Mile, Sin City, Happy Feet, and was also doing the voice of Luanne Platter on King of the Hill. Speaking of King of the Hill, Breckin Meyer (the stoner skateboarder, Travis) was also on King of the Hill, providing the voice of Joseph Gribble. Of course, we can't forget Wallace Shawn, who's been in so many movies... but might best be remembered in the post-Clueless world as the voice of Rex in Toy Story, which also debuted in 1995. Elisa Donovan (Amber in Clueless) went on to do Morgan Cavanaugh in Sabrina and star in the Dog Who Saved Christmas trilogy. Dionne's boyfriend, Murray (Donald Faison) became famous as Turk on the show Scrubs. Lastly, I want to mention Julie Brown, who's a fine actress, but I recently saw her in a movie called "Attack of the 5 Ft. 2 In. Women" which was horrid. I'll probably do a review of it at some point. Just wanted to mention that.

I still can't get over how good all these people are in this movie. I've been watching too much Troll. Or maybe not enough Troll? I don't know anymore!
Image by Paramount via Entertainment Bee

I want to point out that the cinematographer for Clueless was Bill Pope, a legend in the cinematography world. Pope worked on Army of Darkness, the Matrix trilogy, Spider-Man 2 and 3, Scott Pilgrim vs The World, Baby Driver, Shang Chi, and the upcoming third Ant-Man movie. He was also the visual visionary behind the videos Janet Jackson's "Nasty" and Metallica's "One" among other videos. Just a cool little thing.

I really loved the soundtrack to this film. I love 90s soundtracks, with tons of contemporary songs and old hits covered by younger bands. The Muffs and World Party covering "Kids in America" and "All The Young Dudes," respectively. We also had Radiohead with an acoustic "Fake Plastic Trees." Beastie Boys, Cracker, Counting Crows, Coolio ("Rollin' with My Homies") all contribute. The Mighty Mighty Bosstones are actually in the movie, performing "Where'd You Go?" at the club scene where Paul Rudd and Tai dance. Great stuff, I want to track down a copy of the CD for my collection.

Now, I'm going to level a couple of criticisms towards this movie. Some of them are minor but one is very serious. First of all, the gay character... again, while he is presented as a positive, But there is a scene where Murray refers to him as a "cake boy" and "disco-dancing, Oscar Wilde-reading, Streisand ticket-holding friend of Dorothy." These aren't terrible slurs and are not meant to be insulting to the character, but it's still in bad taste. Also, the whole part where Cher and Ant-Man get into a relationship is... that's pretty uncomfortable. First, you have the brother/sister aspect, which isn't that bad, but still weird. They don't see each other as brother and sister, and they were only step-siblings for a short while, a long time ago. It is also another reference to Emma, where Emma gets with her sister's brother-in-law. But it's the age gap that bugs me. Now I could care less if an 18-year-old and 81-year-old get together. I wouldn't do that, but hey, whatever makes you happy, it's none of my business. However, the legal age of consent is 18. Cher is 16 and, while they don't say how old Paul Rudd is, he is in college and presented as being older. He's going to be probably 19 or 20. That's not okay. Even if they don't have sex, that's a path you don't want to walk down. And why isn't the dad livid about this? He even says at one point "You divorce wives, not children." So he still views Paul Rudd as his kid. So why isn't he flipping out? Why is everyone cool with this? No. Just no.

Not the most awkward situation Paul Rudd has found himself in
Image by Zade Rosenthal/Marvel/Disney via IMDB

I've seen some people online argue about how bad Dionne and Murray's relationship is, calling it "toxic" and putting the blame for that on Murray. Ehh... they fight, a lot, in the movie and they antagonize each other. But I wouldn't say that one side does it significantly more than the other. But they do show that Dionne and Murray do love each other, most of the fighting seems to almost be like a public performance for them. And I don't know... I know people that are like this and I would never be in that kind of relationship myself, but they seem to make it work if they can fight the right person to fight with. So I dunno. I hesitate to call it "toxic" but what do I know. I'm just a virgin who can't drive. (That statement is not 100% accurate).

One video I recommend watching is this one by The Take on YouTube. They talk about Cher's arguing style and how persuasive arguments relate to both the character of Cher and the plot. It's quick and entertaining and interesting.

After the movie became a hit, ABC opted to pick up Clueless as a sitcom, bringing it all back to TV. Heckerling was involved for part of the first season but eventually left. They only did one season on ABC, then another two on UPN, before being canceled altogether. Silverstone, Murphy, Rudd, and Cher's dad were all recast. The actors playing Dionne, her boyfriend, Amber, Miss Geist, and Wallace Shawn all returned for the show. The first season ratings were okay, it was part of ABC's TGIF lineup during the 1996-97 year. They did crossovers with Sabrina the Teenage Witch and Moesha. The ratings dropped from 97-99 on UPN. Maybe I'll watch this and review it someday. They've been trying to get a Clueless dramatic series going for the last couple of years on Peacock. In this version, Cher has gone missing and it's up to Dionne to take over the role of the school's most popular girl. Peacock dropped it but CBS is working on it now. Honestly, this sounds worse than the dramatic Fresh Prince of Belair reboot, Belair.

.....yay doesn't this look fun.....
Image by Mattel Interactive via old-games.com

There have been plenty of other Clueless spinoff media. There was a series of young adult books based on the show. Twenty-one were published between 1995 and 1999. Marvel published a special photo magazine in 1997 called Spring Fever. But that wasn't the only Clueless comic. BOOM! Studios published a pair of Clueless graphic novels. Senior Year in 2017 and One Last Summer in 2018. They were co-written by Amber Benson, Tara from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Heckerling wrote Clueless: The Musical, which opened in NYC in 2018. There were two officially released Clueless PC games. Clueless CD-ROM came out in 1997 and was essentially a series of mini-games aimed at younger girls. Clueless: The Game was released in 2009, and is a dress-up game. Gotta love it when the spin-off games don't relate to the subtext of the movie. There was an edition of the 2009 "game" that was made for the Nintendo DS, but it was never officially released. Though ROMS have found their way into the hands of internet users. 

Final Thoughts

I really liked this movie. Despite some slightly questionable dialogue and an ending that borders on lite incest and absolutely implies statutory rape. I still give it a high rating because the other 95% of the movie's runtime is very well done. Cher is very well-rounded and fleshed out. The performances are all top-notch. The story of self-discovery is excellent. And except for a small bit of dialogue, it's very progressive with its gay character. Overall, I highly recommend this funny and interesting film.

Yes Mr. Rudd, we all know you don't age...
Image by Paramount via IMDB

That's what I thought, anyway. Disagree? Are you a snob and a half who's totally buggin' over my review? Let me know! If you haven't seen it yet, JustWatch will tell you where to go to stream it. Again, I am in no way sponsored by JustWatch. As if! It's just the website I use personally so I use it for this!

The next review will be a little different, then we'll get back to Troll, I promise. It'll be on a 1970s documentary. Boring, right? Not at all. It's Gimme Shelter, the infamous documentary showing the Rolling Stones North American tour in 1969, ending with the disastrous Altamont Concert in California that saw four people die. So we'll be talking about that film and also about the event, filling in any gaps that the film left out. Until then!

Troll 3 aka Quest for the Mighty Sword (1990)

Image by Filmirage via Listal/Nosoki

Hey everyone, hope you're having a good day and staying safe out there. It feels like the whole world is ending. If you read this in the future, the Russian invasion of Ukraine is taking place right now. The ideas of WWIII loom on the horizon. Hopefully, I can take your mind off the world falling apart, and maybe laugh once or twice. Let's talk about the first Troll 3, Quest of the Mighty Sword.

Before we jump into the film, let's take a very quick look at the Ator film series. Now, I am not watching the other three films at this time, nor do I know if I'm ever going to. This is just what I was able to gather from the limited information available online. Okay, so, Joe D'Amato was a producer on Troll 2. He also produced and directed the first two Ator movies. 1982's Ator, the Fighting Eagle, and the sequel, The Blade Master, in 1984. Both movies starred Miles O'Keeffe as the titular Ator. The movies were intended as knockoffs of the Conan the Barbarian series and, since there was no third Conan movie, D'Amato decided not to make a third Ator movie. Well, there was a third Ator movie, Iron Warrior, which came out in 1987. O'Keeffe reprises his role as Ator, however, this one was directed by Alfonso Brescia and ignored the first two Ator movies. Ator in this one has a reworked back story, black hair instead of blonde, and barely speaks a word of dialogue through the whole film. D'Amato was so upset about it, that he retook control of the series in 1988 and made a new Ator movie in 1990. This new movie was intended as a loose reboot of the franchise ("franchise" lol). The fourth Ator film was called Quest for the Mighty Sword. It's also known as Ator III: The Hobgoblin (showing D'Amato decided to completely ignore Iron Warrior), Ator IV: The Hobgoblin, The Hobgoblin, and of course... Troll 3...

What connections does it have to Troll 2? Not many. This is a fantasy sword and sandal movie rather than a horror movie. No one is turned into a plant. But it shares the same producer and, for whatever ungodly reason, they reuse some of the goblin masks from Troll 2.

I wonder how you could misconstrue this...

Image by Filmirage via IMDB

As for the cast of Mighty Sword, there isn't much information on them. Miles O'Keeffe did not return as Ator, instead, he was replaced by Eric Allan Kramer. Kramer has had a really good run in TV and movies. This was his first "film" but he started acting in 1987. Various roles you might know him from including Thor in The Incredible Hulk Returns, Little John in Robin Hood: Men in Tights, Boris in True Romance, Bear in American Wedding, and not one but two starring roles on a sitcom (Dave Rogers in The Hugleys and Bob Duncan on Good Luck Charlie). Honestly, that's a pretty good career. 

This is actually seriously a far better-looking set than any in Quest for the Mighty Sword

Image by Craig Sjodin/Disney Enterprises via IMDB

Also in the movie are Marisa Mell, Laura Gemser, and Donald O'Brien. They were all pretty active in European genre films in the 60s-80s. A lot of westerns, war films, sexploitation films, horror films, etc. All of them petered out in the early 90s, this being one of the last movies for them. Two things I want to point out is that Mell was also in one of my favorite Mystery Science Theater 3000 episodes, Secret Agent Super Dragon (1966), some people reading this will know what I'm talking about. I'll explain more, someday, when I review that movie. Also, Gemser was sometimes a costume designer... and she was a designer on Troll 2... it all reverts back to Troll 2! And now, onto the movie...

Before I started this movie, I was afraid I'd be bored and not have much to talk about. I should have known better. We begin things with a woman, dressed as an amazon, running through a swamp. She has an interesting outfit, like a low-budget Wonder Woman. She wears a chest armor outfit, but one breast is missing, and she has a chainmail undershirt on? Weird. We then see a throne room, where Ator is sitting on his throne, watching as people are beheaded. There's a lot to take in from this one scene. First, there are lizard people lined up on both sides of the room. They are wearing white cloaks on one side, and on the other side, black cloaks. Some soldiers are dressed as Romans and others as samurai. That's a recurring thing in this movie. See, in Conan, it's not supposed to look like the ancient history of one particular area. So while everything looks old-world ancient, it doesn't look familiar. This movie kind of has this approach, but I think they just grabbed whatever costumes they could find in storage. As the basket of severed heads fills, we see that Ator has brought along his disgusted wife and infant son to watch. The son is also called Ator, and that's not going to be confusing at all. In between the beheadings, we see the amazon girl, running through the fields as fast as she can. Eventually, the beheadings stop and Ator has to fight two prisoners, one at a time while wielding the Blade of the Sacred Graal. This fancy sword was given to him by the god Thorn. Ator makes quick work of the two criminals, but he is decidedly out of breath. He explains to his infant son that Ator must always have the Blade of the Sacred Graal, and that he has seen a vision of today as the day of his death, and blah blah. Yeah cuz your one-year-old son is going to remember all this. Just then, speak of the devil! Thorn has returned to reclaim his sword. Just then, the running girl runs up and begs Thorn not to kill Ator, because Ator is a good and just ruler. Thorn tells her "you'll pay for this" and hucks a spear at Ator, impaling him AND breaking the sword. Hold on. Why did no one try to protect Ator? He has several guards. It wasn't like the spear throw was quick, between Thorn getting ready, getting distracted by running girl, and then getting ready again and throwing it... that's like 30-45 seconds. Why did no one help? Did they hate Ator? We don't know!

So fun fact from my roommate, apparently people used to grab the blade of their swords a lot back in ye ole' days if the blade was dull enough. However, even though Ator grabs his blade a lot in this movie, we doubt that they knew about actual blade-grabbing when they made this.

Image by Filmirage via IMDB

Next, we have the running amazon woman being brought to justice by her people. They bind her to the wall and set a circle of flame around her, telling her that she is imprisoned by magic until a hero comes to save her, at which point she will be turned mortal. Huh?

We then cut to Ator standing beside a lake as all this is being explained to him. They don't tell you this right away, but this is Ator's son, all grown up. But at first, it's really confusing, because it's the same actor and has the same character name, you think it's the same Ator as before. Ugh. We are now treated to another flashback, as baby Ator and his mom make their way to the cave of Grindl. Yes, Grindl. Spelled differently than Beowolf's Grendel, but still... This Grindl is a sorcerer/blacksmith who is a troll/goblin/hobgoblin/gnome/whatever. He wears one of the dumb masks from Troll 2, that's all you need to know. Ator's mom comes in and is taken aback because the mask looks so fake. I mean because Grindl is ugly. And it offends him, and rightly so. She tells him that he must raise Ator as his own and reforge the broken Blade of the Sacred Graal. Grindl, logically, asks why he should do such a thing. She tells him it's because of destiny and blah blah. Grindl then asks why he should raise the child as his own when there has been no "act of conception." Eww. Ator's mom then asks for another favor, a potion that will kill her. Because the law of the land says that women are useless and blah blah blah. Grindl wants the sex, but if he can't have that, he tells her he'll take it from her. But killing her is just as good. Boy, Grindl has some issues. So he makes a potion to give to her and, also, why is Ator's mom killing herself and leaving him an orphan? Oh and, in my research for this film... they don't make it explicit in this movie, but apparently, this is supposed to be a character from the first Ator movie who was... Ator's sister. So Ator married his sister and they had a kid named Ator and his mom is also his aunt. Sadly, he does not seem to be also his own grandfather. But don't worry, it gets worse. Grindl didn't give her a death potion but instead a HORNY POTION. She goes and starts making out with Grindl and I am not convinced that there is no god, because no god would allow the filming of a woman making out with someone in a shitty mask from Troll 2. And there isn't even any nudity in this sex scene, so it's not only sickening and wrong but also boring. For her transgressions of being raped by Grindl, Ator's aunt/mom is sentenced by the gods to wander the earth and screw whoever she can. What the serious hell am I watching.

Jesus f'n Christ
Image by Filmirage via ZeroStarCinema

Cut back to the present, where we find Ator being told all this by some goddess or something or other. She reminds Ator that he is nearing 18 and will get his daddy's sword soon. Wait, nearing 18? The actor was 27 at the time and, if anything, looks older than that. "Almost 18" give me a break. So he goes back to the Grindl gave with a bag of whatever. Dead animals I think? Grindl talks to him like he's garbage. But then he gives him his sword! He wanted to fulfill his promise early. Ator takes it and immediately tries to cleve Grindl in half... but the sword just breaks! It was fake and Grindl laughed. He then gives him a lecture about you can't trust mankind and says "I know what to expect when you turn 18." Oh, I should mention here that the set for Grindl cave looks identical to Ator's throne room. Not the decor and decoration, but the layout of the room. Don't worry, it gets used again. His decoration is baller though, compared to the rest of the sets. He has a Dimetrodon, spraypainted white. Yeah, Grindl has a freakin dinosaur in his cave! How baller is that?

Yes, yes, I know... dimetrodon isn't REALLY a "dinosaur"
Image via Wiki Commons

Ator is back by the lake again. All the exteriors of this movie are in a gross-looking swamp. There was no cool location scouting like in Troll 2. He sees the amazon girl from earlier, running through the swamp, and he instantly falls in love with her. I guess Ator is turned on by women who can run. But it's all just a vision from the goddess/whatever from earlier. She tells Ator that he must get his sword, free the girl, and then liberate his kingdom. He goes back to the cave, pretends to sleep, and Grindl moves a stone and pulls out the Reforged Sword That Was Broken! He leaves it there and Ator sneaks and grabs it. He goes to strike down Grindl with it and... the sword breaks again! Grindl just stands three and laughs. "I'LL KILL YOU!" Ator shouts at Grindl, only for Grindl to throw some sorcerer liquid into Ator's eyes, blinding him. Grindl leaves, laughing, telling Ator that he'll restore his sight later. Ator stumbles around the cave until he splashes his face into some water of some sort, restoring his sight! He had knocked down a mirror and he sees something in the mirror's reflection. He moves a bolder and, among the cobwebs, finds his broken sword! How he saw it behind the bolder, we don't know. So now he takes to blacksmithing it. Now, I'm willing to concede that he had obviously watched Grindl do a lot of blacksmithing. So even if he had never done it himself, he'd understand the basics. But he reforges the sword perfectly, which is amazing for your first time. Also, does this mean that anyone could have done it? Why leave Ator and the sword with Grindl? There must have been at least one blacksmith in the kingdom who wouldn't have raped Ator's mom, why not leave her son and the sword with that guy? But whatever. Grindl returns and Ator confronts him. Grindl laughs again, thinking it's one of his fakes. How many did he make? But it's the real deal this time, and Ator cuts him in half! The movie is almost exactly 30 minutes over now, with a 92-minute runtime, making this first of three acts pretty well times. Ator laves up his leather armor that I guess he always had and leaves, running full speed through the swamp to his next quest.

Ator keeps running, full speed, through the swamp to the next quest marker. It's a cave that looks remarkably like Grindl's lair and Ator's throne room. Only this one is covered in human skeletons instead of a dinosaur. Ator has to defeat the guards of this place so he can free the treasure so he can free the girl. The guard is, and I'm not making this up, a pair of robots attached like Siamese twins. One side wields a sword and the other a shield. Well, Ator can't fight them both off, so he ducks into a passage, and... the god damn robot gets stuck in the doorway. It keeps walking forward but can't get through. You know how you can sometimes cheat in a video game, by getting a powerful enemy stuck in a doorway? That's what happens here. Ator sneaks up behind it and cleaves it in half with his sword. Wow. All these people this thing killed, and Ator accidentally outsmarts it in the dumbest kind of way. People in old times were stupid. Oh yes, and this is a robot, because SPARKS FLY when he cuts it in half, and when one of the goddamn heads falls to the ground, all the wires are just visible. WHY IS THERE A ROBOT IN A CONAN THE BARBARIAN RIPOFF MOVIE. But wait, we aren't done. There is another enemy! A kaiju reject comes out from behind a rock. Yes, a person in a slime-covered rubber Godzilla-like suit, that breaths fire. Ator has a look on his face of "Oh no, there's more?" The same look that I had. He dispatches it. Moves onto the treasure room, full of gold, and screams at the top of his lungs how he gives it as an offering to the gods. He then explores the dungeon further, finding a floor trap puzzle that shoots spears from the wall, which is not at all ripped off from Raiders of the Lost Ark. As he explores, he finds the running amazon woman, asleep on a bed. What happened to her being chained to a pillar and the fire? Ator does the sleeping beauty style kiss to her, she wakes up, and falls in love with him, immediately recognizing Ator as the Son of Ator. Because they're the same actor, it's easy. She is now mortal and no longer a god, which Ator reminds her of while he has the biggest grin on his face. They go to leave the dungeon, but just then, the cave starts to collapse. We are treated to stock footage of volcanos erupting, an Egyptian statue falling down, and Greek or Roman columns collapsing. Where were all these things? But they escape and run at full speed to their next destination.

From there, we find our hero and heroine in the Mos Eisley Cantina, or at least a place trying to rip it off. People are drinking and gambling. Ator saves a dude from getting killed by some gamblers. Ator's mom is there, trying to get laid. Later, while amazon girl and Ator are outside, Mom comes to visit. She tells Ator that she's been cursed by the gods into wandering and screwing until someone looks upon her as a mother. Ator realizes who it is, looks at her, and she dies. Thanks! They give her a pyre funeral, like Darth Vader at the end of Return of the Jedi. Then they get attacked by some things (creatures or whatnot) and the gambler joins them. He has a boomerang. They all sit by a fire and eat uncooked meat. The gambler asks where they are going. The amazon girl stumbles over her lines with something like "Back... to, uhh, find the path back... mmm... to the middle world."

She may have flubbed her line, but man she rocks that one boob chest plate

Image by Filmirage via Listal/AVPGuyver21

The movie is 2/3 over and we segue into the last act. Amazon girl gets captured by some soldiers who take her to a castle. This castle is probably the most interesting location in the film, with the outdoor parts clearly being filmed at some kind of actual castle or fortress. Inside, however, most of the sets are in the same set as most of the rest of the movie... The king of the castle is this creepy guy with sores all over his face who covers people in plaster and calls it "art." His assistant is another gnome thing in a Troll 2 mask, ugh. He has captured the amazon girl because she is beautiful and he wants her to be his queen. There is also another witch-woman person there who wants to bone Ator. She saw him at the cantina and began lusting for him. So Ator and boomerang boy infiltrate the castle, only to get captured. The dude with the sores tells Ator he knows all about his exploits. How? He's only done like 2 things, over a couple of days at most. He then explains that the whole kidnapping thing was all a misunderstanding, and he lets them go with the amazon girl. However, the amazon girl is acting... strangely. Turns out she's the witch in disguise! Amazon girl is still left behind in the castle! The king with the sores offers her the throne, she laughs, so he conspires to cover her in plaster as well.

The next morning, the witch posing as the amazon girl tells Ator the truth, but she had him "for one night, mind, body, and soul." She reverts to her true form and walks away. Ator was going to kill her, but boomerang boy stops him. Why? Who knows. Anyway. They re-storm the castle. In the throne room, two guards show up, swinging their swords at the two heroes. Suddenly, a mini crossbow launcher appears out of thin air on Ator's fist, and he shoots them both in the neck. This is literally the only moment in the whole movie we see that. But as they run past, OH NO! Boomerang boy gets stabbed by a dying guard. He gives Ator his boomerang, his last words being "Here, you might need this." Ator shows up in the plaster room and throws the boomerang into the gears that are lowering the amazon girl into the boiling plaster. 

The king of sores just wanted to... hang out... with amazon girl

Image by Filmirage via IMDB

Ator then fights off like four guys at once. The boomerang proves only a minor inconvenience, as the king of sores removes it. Only when Ator is done killing does he confront the king. Kingy decides to immortalize his own life, so he grabs the troll and jumps into the boiling plaster. And before you go "What did the troll do to deserve that?" He was pretty much the Wormtongue to the sore king's Théoden of Rohan. So Ator and the amazon girl smile at each other and giggle, flirtingly. She's still tied up. He lets her down and run at full speed out of the castle. The shapeshifting witch is also there, and looks on, longing for Ator's loins again. Then we see another person wearing a Troll 2 mask pop on screen, laughing, and I think that's supposed to be Thorn. But that's the end of the movie! It ends without Ator getting revenge on Thorn, and there was no sequel, so yeah... this is the end of the Ator Saga.

Finally, now Ator can move on to better things

Image by 20th Century Studios via IMDB

Quest for the Mighty Sword was released straight-to-video in the US on August 29, 1990. It has no box office information, obviously, but I can't find a budget for it either. I see "$3500" being thrown around in some viewer reviews, but I can't find an official source for that. And I don't believe this movie was THAT cheap. It's cheap, sure, but there is a cast and crew and costumes and sets. It's all cheap and recycled, but there is still some cost. I can easily believe $35000 or even $15000. But $3500? Unlikely. Unless someone can show me an official source, I'm gonna believe the budget was higher.

Then again, when I see this, maybe it was only $3500

Image by Filmirage via Listal/Nosoki

The movie plot has a lot of similarities with, of all things, a Richard Wagner opera called Twilight of the Gods. Braineater.com has an article on the movie and it goes into a lot more detail on the Wagner connections. I'm not going to copy his work, I'll just let you read it here if you're interested.

There isn't much else to talk about, honestly. This was the last Ator movie. We never get a resolution with Ator and the god who killed his father. D'Amato went on to direct the OTHER Troll 3 and movies with titles like Homo Erectus, Gipsy Seduction, and Sexy Pirates. He directed probably around 100 movies in the 90s alone, and dozens more in the decades prior. They all look like low-budget schlock, a lot of it seeming to be soft-core porn. He died of a heart attack in 1999, his last film being Showgirls, a rip of the more famous Showgirls directed by Paul Verhoeven in 1995. Ator's actor, Eric Allan Kramer, had a career after this, which I mentioned earlier. You know, he's not good in this movie, but one of the few who both didn't flub a line AND put actual emotion into his role. It's an early role, I excuse it.

If only Ator was allowed to bring a friend from work...

Image by New World International/Marvel via IMDB

Final Thoughts

Honestly, I enjoyed this movie more than I thought I would. For the budget they had, they did a passable job on this. And I liked the music for this as well. It's horrendously out-of-place for this film, but it's got a fun 80s synth score. That said, this is a bad movie. The acting is universally bad. Set designs are kinda dull. Costumes are random. Recycling masks from Troll 2 is a big minus. And including a rape scene with the aforementioned masks involved lowers the score more. If anything, that part just reaffirms my belief in the non-existence of God.

So that's just my thoughts on Troll 3 aka Quest for the Mighty Sword. Have you seen it? If not, stream it. You can find out where it's available on JustWatch.

So this is where I usually include the trailer, so you can get an idea of what the movie is like, but I honestly couldn't find one online. But I DID find a clip of Ator fighting the Siamese twin robot, so you have that to look forward to if you want to watch.

Next time, I'm going to take a quick break from the Troll series, before I go totally nuts. So we're going to do a well-made, popular, funny movie. 1995's Clueless! We'll get back to Troll shortly, I just need a quick break. Anyway, stay safe out there, home skillets, and don't eat any glowing green food.

Troll (1986)

Image by Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Studios via IMDB

Happy Wednesday! Hope your week is going well. I was going to post this review last night, but I got caught up binging Peacemaker the last couple of days. Not going to do a full review on that, since it's too recent, but it's incredible. James Gunn and John Cena delivered on this show. I highly recommend it, it's got comedy and violence and a ton of heartfelt character growth, with multiple characters. And only eight episodes long. And you don't need to watch a dozen other things to understand it. You should watch The Suicide Squad movie that Gunn directed last year, as this is a spinoff, but that's it. Anyway, enough about an amazing TV show. Let's start in with a less than amazing 80s movie. It's time to talk about Troll.

"But wait," you might be saying. "An 80s movie in a 90s blog?" Yeah yeah yeah. I'm going to do older movies sometimes. I justify it by reminding you that this is what we watched on TV and rented a lot from the video stores in the 90s. Older movies. Some of them have a connection to either 90s movies or my life in the 90s. So whatever. Not going to get into a whole thing, this will still mostly be about 90s movies, but if I want to do something older then I will.

Troll doesn't get nearly as much love/hate as its sequel, for good reason. It's kind of charming, but not great. But not a trainwreck that Troll 2 is. But before I say anymore, let's take a look at who's in this movie, and then delve into the story.

The biggest difference between Troll and Troll 2 has to be the cast and director. Troll stars two child actors. One of them is Noah Hathaway, who also played Atreyu in The NeverEnding Story and Boxey on Battlestar Galactica. He plays a character named Harry Potter Jr. Not kidding. This is jokingly referred to as the unofficial 1st Harry Potter movie. Made a decade before any of the books came out. Jenny Beck plays his sister, Wendy, who is probably best known for being in V and V: The Final Battle. The Dad, Harry Potter Sr, is played by Daniel Radcliff. Just kidding. It's Michael Moriarty, who was in the early seasons of Law & Order and won an Emmy for a role in a miniseries called Holocaust. Rounding out the main family is mom, Anne, portrayed by Shelley Hack of Charlie's Angels fame. Rounding out the other apartment tenants, who have a few famous people. Sonny Bono, formerly of Sonny & Cher and a future US Congressman, is a bachelor playboy. Gary Sandy of WKRP in Cincinnati fame is an ex-marine who still thinks he's in the military. We have a waitress and aspiring actress played by a young Julia Louis-Dreyfus, a couple of years before she started on Seinfeld, and her boyfriend Brad Hall, who has been her real-life husband since 1987. They didn't meet on Troll, it was one of several projects they worked together on, but I really wish they had. What a story for the grandkids! That would be the best version of "How I Met Your Mother" of all time. Although, this was actually the only live-action film they did together. Rounding out the other apartment tenants are Phil Fondacaro, a dwarf actor who doubles as the troll in this movie (he was also in The Black Cauldron, Willow, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, and that one Ewok who died in Return of the Jedi) and June Lockhart, the mom from Lost in Space, plays an old lady who lives upstairs. The movie was written and directed by John Carl Buechler, who also did the same for The Dungeonmaster, as well as later directing Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood and Ghoulies III: Ghoulies Go to College. He was responsible for the make-up effects of lots of horror movies, like Trancers and A Nightmare on Elm Street 4 and Halloween 4 and Bride of Re-Animator, and many others. So as you can see, this movie has a solid cast and director. It's not Scorsese and DiCaprio by any means, but absolutely better than the people behind Troll 2. And it shows.

Scorsese and DiCaprio's relationship goes back a long time
Image by Empire Pictures via IMDB

At the beginning of the film, we see the Potter family moving into an apartment building in San Francisco. Mom complains about how many record albums Dad owns, to which is retorts that 3000 isn't enough. We never actually see more than about 20 albums in the movie, so I don't know where he's hiding his massive collection. In typical Harry Potter fashion, he leaves his family to unpack while he goes and gets the family some burgers. Mom asks Atreyu to "play with his sister" to which he responds with "I'd rather watch Star Trek." NEEEEEERD. She then tells him to at least keep an eye on her, something he completely fails at doing. His sister, Wendy, wanders into the laundry room basement of the building and throws her rubber ball down the stairs. We see a silhouette of the troll on the wall. She goes down to get her ball and we see the POV from the troll as he reaches out to grab her. The troll hand has a glowing green, magic-looking ring on its finger. Atreyu then comes looking for her and we are treated to a full-body shot of the troll! He's standing there, holding the ball, and he looks... gross. But in that 1980s, fantasy, low-budget, but not cheap kind of way. This is leap years ahead of the awful masks and burlap sacks of Troll 2. 

This is honestly pretty normal in San Francisco basements
Image by Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Studios via IMDB

The Troll then shapeshifts into Wendy! Atreyu never sees the troll, just Wendy. And the Wendy Troll has the green, magic ring on her finger. Big Brother tells her "Mom and Dad are gonna be pissed at you for hiding in the basement" and runs off because he's petty. Wendy (because she's a troll in disguise) is super aggressive and wild. She inhales her burger, eating it like a pig at a trough. She then grabs the sack with the rest of the burgers are starts running, screaming through the apartment building, pulling the fire alarm. 

At this point, we meet all of the apartment residents, as they start to head outside because they think the building is on fire. This is when they all meet Harry and his little family. Sonny Bono tells Harry that he lives a swingers lifestyle and doesn't want kids getting in the way. The military dude asks Harry what he does for a living, to which Harry responds with "I review books." I guess Hermione's lectures about reading finally got to him. Military Man goes off on a tirade about how he hates all books because all books lead to communism. Elaine from Seinfeld and her husband/boyfriend seem nice. June Lockhart shows up, annoyed, and we learn nothing more about her character at this time.

Wendy Troll behaves like a total monster at home, which the family just assumes is her acting out because of the stress of the move. She steals Atreyu's glass of juice at breakfast and, instead of giving it back like she's told, stares her "brother" in the eyes and pours it out on the floor. It's pretty hilarious to watch. If this isn't possession by an evil troll, then it's the most awesome sibling rivalry of all time. The parents think nothing of it, but only her big brother, Boxey, thinks something is wrong. I also got to point out that the bedroom design for the brother is a LITTLE better than Joshua's from Troll 2. They live in San Francisco and he has SF 49ers and SF Giants pendents on his wall. However, he also has a Dallas Cowboys banner. No one out there will think anything of that unless you're a football fan. In which case you'd know that the 49ers and Cowboys were arch-rivals in the 80s and 90s, and NO kid living in San Francisco would have stuff for both teams. Hell, I still hate the Cowboys, and it's 2022 now. Anyway, still better than the 30 random sports things in the bedroom of Troll 2.

I had the same look on my face when the Cowboys beat the 49ers in the NFC Championship in 92 and 93...
Image by Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Studios via IMDB

The troll disguised as Wendy starts taking out the other apartment dwellers, one by one. It starts with Sonny Bono, going into his apartment right after one of his ladies leaves. Bono is a total sleazeball (I assume he isn't acting) but wants Wendy to leave because he doesn't want kids hanging around his swinging pad. The troll reverts to its troll form and pokes Bono with a needle from its magic ring. This immediately causes Bono to start swelling up and turning into what looks like a pickle. The troll grabs one of Bono's porno magazines and starts flipping through it while Cher's ex-husband turns into a pod of some kind and starts sprouting leaves. We then see multiple little fantasy creatures pop out and the whole apartment being taken over by plants. This transformation is the only one we see all of, the others are briefer. 

"What do you mean Cher is more culturally relevant than me?"
Image by Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Studios via IMDB

WKRP in Cincinnati is next, he tries to shoot the troll, which is ineffective. He gets turned into a plant. The Wendy Troll then interrupts the New Adventures of Young Christine by inviting herself into Julia Louis-Dreyfus' apartment and turning her into a forest nymph. The husband/boyfriend shows up and gets sucked into the fantasy world with the Elaine Benes nymph. This is a pretty hot scene, no nudity, but she runs around half-naked with tree branches. Don't look at me like that. I'm allowed to admire physical beauty. I mean, she's no John Cena in his tighty whities in Peacemaker, but she's still pretty. While all this is going on, Harry Potter puts on a record. Blue Cheer's rocking cover of Summertime Blues. Great song and a good choice to play! He cranks the volume up and does a really ridiculous dance around the apartment. It's a hilarious scene.

God Harry Potter grew up to be such a dork. This is what happens when you marry a Weasley.
Image by Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Studios via The Horror Section

At one point, the Wendy Troll is playing ball in the street and almost gets run over by a car. She gets pushed out of the way by Fondacaro's character, the final apartment building resident we meet, the professor of English, Malcolm Malory. He tells her to be careful and she just stares at him, which makes him self-conscious, him being a dwarf (again, an actual dwarf, not a mystical one). But Wendy Troll asks him if he's an elf. He laughs and says no, he's just a person. He walks her home. Later, her family is making dinner for Wendy and her "little friend" who they think is a child and whom Wendy Troll invited over for dinner. They are surprised and taken aback when Fondacaro shows up. I honestly can't tell if they are surprised it's an adult, a small person, or both. They were clearly expecting a child, so this was obviously a shock to them. And I've seen some people online talk about how "weird it is that this adult is befriending a child." Ehhh. There doesn't seem to be any ulterior motive. Fondacaro was clearly showing up to dinner, not to hang out with Wendy, but meet the family that just moved in. There are no uncomfortable vibes as far as inappropriate relationships, he's just trying to be a friendly neighbor and likes kids. Honestly, that's the kind of thing we need more of, instead of paranoia that every adult who doesn't treat kids like garbage clearly wants to have sex with them. And this is coming from someone who generally dislikes children. Wendy Troll asks Fondacaro to tell his parents a story he wrote called "The Faerie Queene." While he recites this fantasy story, the music swells in the background, and all the faerie creatures in the different apartments start humming along. It's kinda cool. With the puppets and music, it feels like a Jim Henson bit.

That aside, later, Wendy Troll goes to visit Fondacaro in his apartment. He is in pain and she asks him what's wrong. Well. He's dying. Complications from his dwarfism, he explains. He tries to cheer her up by offering to draw her a picture of a bunny. Wendy Troll asks him if he ever wanted to be an actual elf. He goes on a great monologue about how, yes, he did. When he was young and trying to learn how to deal with his dwarfism, he would often fantasize about being a mythical creature. It's a great monologue, and you can tell that Fondacaro was putting some of himself into it. Whether or not he dreamed about being an actual mythical creature or not, he must have had a difficult experience growing up, and he channels that into this scene. Wendy Troll feels terrible and uses its magic ring to turn him into a plant and be reborn as an actual elf. It's one of a couple of times in this movie where the troll doesn't just kill out of malice, it kills Fondacaro thinking it's helping him.

To be fair, who else is Wendy Troll going to play ball with?
Image by Empire Pictures via IMDB

This is a good time to pause for a minute and go on a brief rant. I really hate how dwarves are cast in movies. It's always either in a fantasy or sci-fi film where they need someone short, a comedy where they're the butt of a joke or a drama where their height is the plot point. Fondacaro is a good actor, his scene talking about his childhood proves it. I'm writing this as Peter Dinklage's Cyrano has just come out. And I'm sure it's a fine movie, I'm sure he does great in it because he's a good actor. But it annoys me that the crux of this version is that his Cyrano is a dwarf. I'm not saying there shouldn't be serious dramas about their height. Without seeing this movie, I'm sure it has a "being small is beautiful" message and that's awesome. I don't even think that tasteful comedies, where their height is the punchline, are necessarily bad. I'm thinking Dinklage again, in 30 Rock and Death at a Funeral. I just wish there were more films where their height wasn't the reason they were cast. The only one I can think of is Dinklage in X-Men: Days of Future Past. There are many, many times when a woman or a person of color or someone in the LGBTQ+ community is cast in a role because of who they are, and that's fine. But there are also movies where an actor is cast just because they're good in a role, and things like race and sexual orientation are non-factors. Not enough, to be sure, but still more than the dwarf community. I'm not trying to sound like an SJW, I just love Dinklage and Fondacaro's acting and want to see them in things where they can just simply act and who cares how tall or short they are. If you've seen movies with them, or other dwarf actors, where their height is inconsequential, let me know! I'm not aware of any, save from the aforementioned X-Men movie. Anyway, rant over.

So while all this is going on with Wendy Troll, her "brother" Boxey is making friends with June Lockhart upstairs. Lockhart befriends him quickly, which is unusual because she seemed to be grumpy and dislike children earlier in the movie. But whatever. Atreyu confesses that his sister seems strange and Lockhart immediately knows what's going on. Over the course of a couple of scenes, she reveals to him that she's actually a witch. She was a princess, many years ago, but fell in love with a wizard named Torok and learned magic. This isn't a huge shock to the viewer, as she has this talking mushroom plant thing who looks and sounds like Toad from the Super Mario Bros. Super Show. It's her old wizard teacher, Galwyn. 

"MARIO! MAAAAAARIO!"
Image by Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Studios via Admit One Film Addict

Anyway, long ago, the human world and the faerie world were separate. Well, Torok and some mystical creatures lead a war to take over the human world, lost, and Torok was turned into a troll. Lockhart tells Atreyu that his sister is still alive and that Torok is back to take over the world. Torok has 72 hours to cross over, starting on Walpurgis Night, and try to rebuild his kingdom. Why he's in a basement in an apartment building in San Francisco, we don't know. Why the witch princess lives there, I think it's implied that she follows him around, but it isn't really clear. Or maybe I just wasn't paying close enough attention, because the backstory for this is an info dump and I'm not interested. In the end, Lockhart tells our hero that he needs to slay the "biggest monster" in Torok's realm and free his sister. She gives him a magic spear and tells him to go defend his family.

At this point in our tale, Torok has taken over most of the apartment. He launches attacks on the Potter family as well as his ex-lover, Lockhart. Outside, plant tentacles start flailing around and the ground shakes. People gather, are amazed and watch what's going on. Lockhart does some magic and turns into a younger version of herself. Fun fact, this is June Lockhart's daughter, Anne, playing the younger version of her mother. She gets a sword, goes to the basement, and enters Torok's world to slay him. She confronts her lover and he uses his magic to turn her into a stump. Atreyu comes to the basement world, the stump tells him "It's up to you, kiddo" and so he enters and wanders around, in the same locations that Ellene's husband/boyfriend wandered. But our young hero finds his sister in a glass case. He puts the spear down like a dummy and takes his sister out. The End Game Boss Troll shows up and starts wrecking stuff. It corners Boxey and Wendy and then, in a face turn, Torok shows up and kills the monster with the magic spear. The two kids escape and Torok's realm and portal are destroyed.

I don't know why they didn't sick the Dad on the monster, Harry Potter has faced down trolls before.
Image by Wizarding World Digital via Wizarding World

After this, the Potter family does the most sensible and logical thing you can do in this situation. They pack up and move out! Yep. They leave just as the police arrive. We see a young Lockhart outside with the crowd and, in a quick Battlestar Galactica reunion, Sheba tells Boxey that he "did good, kiddo." The police decide to check the place out, even though they think it was just the Potter kids playing their stereo too loud that caused the problems. One cop goes into the basement, opens a door, and walks out into Torok's realm! Torok comes up behind him and stabs the cop with the magic ring! Oh no! Fade to black, movie is over.

OR IS IT OVER?!! DUM DUM DUUUUUUUUUUM!
Image by Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Studios via IMDB

Toll had a budget of $1 million and it shows. This is the difference between $1 million and Troll 2's $100K. And Troll made $5.5 million in the box office, actually making it a fairly successful movie for what it is. Although it became more of a cult film later, after being released on home video and shown on TV.

The movie was originally going to be much more violent, more like the slasher movies that Buechler was used to directing and doing effects for. But the studio wanted to keep it PG-13, so he had to tone down the graphic violence. Roger Corman passed on producing it, I guess the budget was too high for him. I can imagine him saying "A million dollars to make a movie? Sure, but what am I gonna do with the rest of the $750,000?"

You might think that Fondacaro was originally cast as the Torok the Troll and they decided to have him play Malcolm to save money on another actor... but it's the reverse of that. He was supposed to be just Malcolm and the troll was going to be animatronic. Buechler scraped that and went with a full suit instead. They were going to cast someone else but decided to have Fondacaro play double duty, to save money. I honestly thought it would have been the other way around.

As far as the JK Rowling Harry Potter connections, there is no confirmation that Rowling stole the character name (and some loose plot elements) for her novels. The studio almost filed suit, but didn't. Rowling has said she never had heard of Troll, which honestly I believe. The name Harry Potter is common and it looks like just a coincidence. There are so many movies and books and TV shows and games, that eventually, names will get recycled. Hell, I used to know someone named Anna Morgan, and when The Ring came out and she heard that name used for one of the characters in the movie, it freaked her out. Still, even though Rowling likely didn't steal anything from Troll, it is fun to put them in connection with each other. Especially since Harry Potter in Troll is such a dork.

What the hell is going on with that hat, Harry
Image by Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Studios via Suggesting Movie

There is no actual sequel to Troll. My last review, Troll 2, went more into detail on how Troll, Troll 2, and both versions of Troll 3 are unconnected (yes there are two). I won't rehash that here. Buechler did try to make an official sequel to Troll, starting in 2007, but it languished in pre-development. It went through several versions, including an animated prequel called "Troll: The Rise of Harry Potter, Jr." It never came through, sadly, and Buechler, unfortunately, passed away in 2019. 

Final Thoughts

So this movie is 100 times "better" than Troll 2, in almost every way. The movie is crisp and clean, has good music, fairly well-done effects, solid acting, tells a pretty decent story. Honestly, it's not that terrible of a movie. I would say that it lacks a certain level of refinement and, while it's a solid film, doesn't do anything extraordinary. It's a by-the-numbers, made for kids, 80s fantasy action movie. Nothing wrong with that. That said, while I would be willing to watch this again, I wouldn't do so as eagerly as I would Troll 2. I've already seen Troll 2 again since posting my review of it. And I'll watch it again. Troll is a better movie in almost every way imaginable, and enjoyable, but not as entertaining as Troll 2.

To be fair, however, Troll 2 didn't have this...
Image by Empire Pictures via IMDB

But that's my hot take on it. You can find it streaming online at JustWatch, and I highly encourage you to watch it and form your own opinions! Let me know what you thought, especially if you've also seen Troll 2. How do they compare/contrast to you?

Next time, I'm going to continue in the unconnected Troll series to the first version of Troll 3 aka Quest for the Mighty Sword aka Ator III: The Hobgoblin aka The Hobgoblin. I'm not doing the other Ator movies at this time (honestly I probably never will), so hopefully, I won't be lost, but I doubt there's much continuity with those movies either. Until then, home skillets, stay crispy!