Image by Warner Bros via IMDB
Hey readers! I hope your week has been a blast. Or as much as it could be with everything happening in the world right now. Still waiting for the Murder Hornets to descend from Washington to here in Portland, but until then, it’s time for another review! I hope you enjoy it.
One of the most popular sitcoms of the late 80s and early 90s was a little show you might have heard of called Full House. Bob Saget played a single father to three daughters and had two of his friends move in to help him, played by Dave Coulier and John Stamos. Full House brought the world Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, the Olsen Twins, who took turns playing the part of the youngest daughter, Michelle. The Olsens became a phenomenon in their own right, with a whole franchise revolving around straight-to-VHS specials and video games and the like. The show was popular with its wholesome, family themes. In stark contrast to the darker, real-life story of the Olsens or the X-rated adult brand humor Bob Saget was known for. Or for Dave Coulier breaking Alanis Morisette's heart and helping to inspire parts of her 1995 album Jagged Little Pill. One day I’ll do a retrospective on the show. I’m not going to do a full-on review, because I don’t love Full House enough to watch all 192 episodes of it. But it’s culturally significant enough to talk more about the show and the behind-the-scenes in detail.
The show premiered in 1987 and, in 1991, John Stamos tried his hand at being a bad boy motorcycle rider in the film Born to Ride. Stamos had been in a movie previously, playing secret agent Lance Stargrove in 1986’s Never Too Young to Die. But Born to Ride was his attempt to be an action movie star. On Full House, Stamos played “Uncle” Jesse, a washed-up rock musician who was always concerned with how awesome his long hair looked and had an Elvis obsession. That’s not too far from Born to Ride, where he’s still concerned with his looks and image but is this time trying to ape off Marlon Brando and James Dean.
Uncle Jesse: Rebel Without a Wild One
Image by Warner Bros via IMDB
So the movie starts with Stamos and his gang riding down the road. Rock and Roll music is playing and Uncle Jesse is riding without his helmet on, to show off his awesome hair, which is somehow perfectly in place despite riding down the road. Maybe it’s because they look like they’re going about 10 miles an hour. Oh, and he has a cigar he’s smoking as well because he’s so cool. He sees a lady drive by in a convertible who is not Full House’s Aunt Becky, but instead Teri Polo. Stamos decides to split off from his outlaw gang and follow her. He rides up, throws his lit cigar into the brush, and awkwardly hits on the lady. She speeds up and her scarf flies off her head and straight into Uncle Jesse’s hand, which he then sniffs like a 13-year-old pervert in his sister’s underwear drawer. And we’re only two minutes into this movie, folks.
The movie is set pre-WWII. Sandy McPeak does the role of Colonel James E. Devers, the CO of the US Army’s 36th Cavalry Division. He’s instructed to upgrade his troops from horses to motorcycles. Polo drives onto the base, seemingly dashing Stamos’ hopes of courtship. She makes her way to a demonstration area, revealing her to be the daughter of Colonel Devers. The 36th Calvery Division is providing a demonstration for some higher-ups, a ceremony where they retire the horses and show off their badass motorcycle riding. I don’t know who decided these guys knew what they were doing, as they could barely sit on their bikes without falling off. It’s a disaster. And here comes Uncle Jesse, crashing the demonstration, and trying to impress Polo, so he rides by a few times, doing tricks on his bike, trying to get her attention like a bird in heat. But all that leads to is getting caught by the police.
Stamos is arrested and taken to jail and visited by the Colonel. Why Stamos wasn’t in the stockade for trespassing and vandalizing a military installation, or ya know shot onsight for doing so with a war in Europe going on, I don’t know. Because this is the Magic of Cinema. So anyway, Stamos did some sick tricks on his bike, and so the Colonel wants to recruit him and have him teach his calvary how to ride motorcycles. So he does, gains the rank of Corporal, and doesn’t have to do boot camp, so he keeps his hair.
So sexy
Image by Warner Bros via IMDB
The first half of the movie revolves around Stamos teaching the division all about motorcycles. It’s almost an interesting movie, as he’s a total military outsider and has to learn how to fit in with the boys. He takes them off base and gets them drunk and teaches them how to do tricks. He has a rivalry with Captain Jack Hassler (John Stockwell) over his training methods and the heart of Polo. They end up in a fistfight, which is alright, but not nearly as good as the fight between Richard Gere and Louis Gossett Jr in An Officer and a Gentleman. Anyway, Stamos wears down and romances Polo, they take rides on his bike together, etc. Everyone ends up bonding and getting closer together, after the fight. It’s typical Hollywood military storytelling.
But there’s another part of the movie. Eventually, the State Department comes to talk to the good Colonel. The official is played by Garrick Hagon, who was Luke Skywalker’s childhood friend Biggs Darklighter in Star Wars, glad to see he’s getting work in 1991. Biggs tells the Colonel about a leading US nuclear scientist, Dr. Tate (Ed Bishop, known for the British science fiction shows UFO and Captain Scarlet and the Mysterons). Dr. Tate and his daughter have been kidnapped by Franco and the Spanish, and they are negotiating with Hitler to send them to Germany, to work on their atom bomb program! Dr. Tate is being held in a fortress, and the only way to get there is a conveniently placed horse/motorcycle trail. But they can’t just “send in the calvary” because of international incidents and such, because the USA isn’t technically at war yet. But as fate would have it, there is a famous motorcycle touring rally being held in Spain that goes near the fortress. Biggs has a great plan to send the 36th Calvary in undercover as racers, but they only have two weeks to get their men ready! They get a crash course and become experts on motorbikes, just in time to deploy on their undercover mission. Stamos, who originally doesn’t want to go along, ends up convincing the Colonel to let him tag along at the last minute. He wants to help and he can’t look good in the Spanish countryside with his cool hair if he stays at home.
His shirt has just the right amount of buttons undone
Image by Warner Bros via IMDB
They get to Spain, a Nazi officer starts questioning the team about their bikes, and oh no they’re going to get found out! But Uncle Jesse saves the day by getting in the Nazi’s face. The Nazi can’t handle Stamos’ hair and backs off. The next day, they enter the race and split off at the right point, stealthy driving their motorcycles into the woods. I will say, this is one of the few times when Stamos wears a leather riding helmet. Which still doesn’t mess up his hair when he takes it off. The riders come across a very steep ravine, to which Stamos quips “Motorcycles weren’t meant for this!” and rides off anyway. They all make it. Except for one rider. He punctured his fuel tank and blows up. It’s supposed to be a solemn moment but, the sound effects they use… they use like an effect that sounds like an old western revolver bouncing off the wall. It made me laugh, the exact opposite of what they were trying to convey in that scene.
The crew makes it to the castle, breaks in, ends up in a shootout with the Spaniards guarding it, all while fast heavy metal music is playing in the background. They find out the doctor and his daughter are on a train, so the infiltration was for naught. They gotta make that train! So they ride their bikes, take out a Spanish machine gun nest by… laying down a smokescreen and then riding a motorcycle over the nest and dropping a grenade. I guess the Spanish army dudes couldn’t tell what direction the motorcycle was coming from, even though it was coming at a straight line. No wonder Franco lost the war.
Rats! Foiled again! That's why he has only one medal.
Image via Wiki Commons
But now, they have to contend with professionals: The Nazi’s. They make it to the train and rescue the doctor and his family. But the Krauts are onto them! The good guys kinda split up and Uncle Jesse and his rival Captain Jack are in the rear of this group. Two German planes fly overhead and turn around to attack them. I don’t know why they didn’t attack from behind. But they get dumber, don’t worry. The heroes end up riding around in circles and cause the planes to crash into each other.
But we’re not done yet. The Doctor, his daughter, and the rest of the team make it to the rescue airplane. Biggs Darklighter is there and wants to leave right away. Stamos and Captain Jack show up on the horizon and make a beeline for the plane. But oh no! Jack’s motorbike gets shot out from underneath him! It’s the Nazi from the bar earlier! Foreshadowing! The plane begins to roll down the runway to take off and Stamos has a plan. He rides headfirst at the Nazi, with a dramatic look on his face, and pops a wheelie yelling “Let’s play chicken!” The Jerry's are shooting him, hitting his bike, which has extra armor on it I guess? I don’t know. But he ends up causing the Germans to wipe out their ride, without even getting close to them. So he swings by to pick up Jack and rides towards the plane, which still is driving down the runway, and they get Jack on through an open door at the side. Uncle Jesse hesitates to get on, because “You know how much I hate flying!” and then laments the loss of his bike after he reluctantly leaves for safety. The movie ends with him riding down the road, on a new motorcycle, with his uniform on but unbuttoned at the collar, and again no helmet. He rides up to meet Polo who forces him to go horseriding instead of them riding on his bike. Uncle Jesse is not a horse guy, so he awkwardly rides bitch, and they gallop off while “Born to Be Wild” plays and the credits roll. The Axis is defeated. No wonder Hitler lost the war.
Hitler always liked Uncle Joey to Uncle Jesse
Image via Wiki Commons
Born to Ride was directed by Graham Baker, who has a small but interesting filmography, including The Omen III: The Final Conflict (1981), Impulse (1984), Alien Nation (1988) and a version of Beowulf (1999) starring Christopher Lambert from Highlander and Mortal Kombat. A lot of sci-fi and fantasy B-movie stuff, and… Born to Ride. It sticks out from his other work. Honestly I’ve only seen Omen III and Alien Nation, but I liked both of those. I guess he needed to pay his mortgage and did this movie.
The music in Born to Ride is all over the place, all of it at least 20 years after the movie takes place. I’m not going to pick on it for that, though, because it still manages to fit what they were going for. If I was going to bring it down for that, I’d also have to bring down the 2013 Great Gatsby movie and its inspired hip-hop soundtrack, and I will do no such thing.
I don’t have the box office or budget info for this movie, but it was a critical flop. Released on May 3, 1991, it was panned in the press. According to this article from the Seattle Times, it apparently got a very limited run in theaters and was not shown in Seattle. The article is about the VHS release, which you could pick up for $93 in 1991. All the movies in this article are super expensive, I know VHS prices were far more reasonable at this time, so I don’t know what the heck they’re talking about.
Hey! Don't give me that look! I'll be nice...
Image via Flickr
Look, I don’t want to end this totally picking on Stamos. He’s Greek and I’m part Greek, which means he isn’t all bad, even though he’s not cool and his film career flatlined. And hey, I’m not cool and have no film career at all! So he’s doing better than me. And he has made a career out of television. Full House was a monster success. He played one of the leads on ER for four years. In the last few years, he was one of the main characters on Grandfathered and Scream Queens and You. He had an internet talk show where he would interview celebrities about how they lost their virginity. Most recently he was Chef Louis in the TV special The Little Mermaid Live! So he’s been busy and had a career and done work that people remember years later, that’s nothing to balk at.
Final Thoughts
Okay, here’s the bottom line. I really don’t like this movie. The plot was contrived and stupid. Stamos was awful. The production was average, it felt more like a TV movie than a real motion picture. I can’t recommend it unless you are a huge fan of John Stamos and want to see anything and everything Uncle Jesse has ever done. Nothing else to say about it at this point. I don’t remember ever hearing about this movie until about a year ago and I was shocked that it existed. I kind of wish now that I didn’t know about it. Except I wish that this motorcycle movie had featured Card Games on Motorcycles.
Anyway, that’s what I thought about it. If you want to see it, go to Just Watch to find where it’s steaming. Did you like it? Or no? If yay or nay, doesn’t matter, let me know in the comments below.
Next time, we’re going to do an action movie. Jean-Claude Van Damme and Dolph Lundgren collide in 1992’s Universal Soldier. Does this franchise starter still have universal appeal? Or should it have been left KIA on the battlefield? Find out next time!
.jpg){kind=link}
No comments:
Post a Comment